The teams are asked to select two baby products and then sell them at a major baby show in Earls Court.

This is the point when I wonder why the candidates don’t check the events happening at Earls Court during the time they’re filming, before they get to the Apprentice.

And of course the team with the most money wins.

The Baby Products

The teams are sent to look at the following products:

1. Baby Headguard – “Thudguard”
2. Up-market Rocking Horse
3. Super Fold-up Buggy – Takeoff
4. High-heeled baby shoes – “Heelarious”
5. Birthing Pool
6. Cardboard cot

And of course the things to look out for here are:

1. Has the item sold well at other shows
2. How big is the market for the item
3. Can they get a special show only offer
4. Will competitors have the same deal they do and be at the show
5. Do the items they choose complement one another

Ignite Takeoff with Thudguard

Lorraine is made project manager, because as a mum she has some experience of the market the team is targeting.

And Lorraine’s instinct tells her to choose the Takeoff buggy as one item to sell. Come on! She already knows the number of women choosing home births is 2.2% so the number of people interested in a birthing pool is miniscule and they’re not likely to sell that many at the show.

Kate and Howard are the other members of the team and they recommend Thudguard,  the baby helmet, as the other item for their team to sell.

Well done to Kate and Lorraine in asking for a special show discount to give the show visitors an incentive to buy on the day.

Unfortunately, on show day the team discover that an independent buggy seller has brought the same buggy along. Worse, a little later they discover that the buggy is being sold for £100 elsewhere compared to the team’s price of £135.

Plus Lorraine hadn’t paid enough attention to the demonstration to confidentially put up and take down the buggy, so it took quite some time before the team learnt how to demonstrate it properly.

Eventually the buggy starts to sell, despite the competition from the cheaper one elsewhere.

Empire Swayed By Rocking Horse And Birth Pool

James is Empire’s team leader, because he’s a dad.

Debra wants the rocking horse and is quite happy to allow Ben to suggest the risky strategy of using the rocking horse because with one sale they’re likely to smash Ignite’s sales.

Unlike Ignite neither Ben or Debra request a special show price. Plus on show day they leave the price tags on the three horses they display.

In the end Debra does suggest taking the tags off so that it doesn’t shock people too much. Why aren’t they on the rocking horse showing how strong the horses are? They should be asking people if they’d like to have a go, recreate their childhood!

And Ben who would probably like you to think must be the best salesman in the whole world comes up with that tired old sale line for the rocking horse: “would you be interested in…” and the obvious answer to that is “no!”

One exhibitor expresses an interest in buying a discounted rocking horse, however as the team didn’t negotiate a lower show price they’re completely unable to sell it to them. 

Back To The Boardroom

Back in the boardroom Empire sales figures were £722 and Ignite made £1,669.89.

The problem was that Empire didn’t concentrate on selling the birth pools, or getting a special price for the show for the rocking horse. As Sir Alan says what would make the visitor buy it now? Ben complacently points out that the difference in price between the discounted price and the normal price for the rocking horse is nothing.

Debra had pushed through the rocking horse. And she suggested that she’d told her project manager that there was no other product.

When Ben was asked why he shouldn’t be fired. He then talked absolute drivel about how conceptually he was great and how he grafted and the fact that he had potential because he had been offered a scholarship to Sandhurst.

Sir Alan points out that Debra is alienating people on the teams she works with. 

In the end Ben gets fired.

Was The Apprentice Firing Fair?

It was a toss-up between Debra and Ben. Debra because she comes across as being very overbearing and not really listening to anything anyone else says. Meanwhile Ben seemed to have lost heart by the time he went into the boardroom, despite being a good and assertive talker.

During the boardroom discussion Sir Alan noted that neither Nick or Margaret were fans of Debra. I suspect that if she gets into a losing team again she’s at a major risk of being fired.

So I didn’t mind whether it was Ben or Debra that went this time. It’s surely only a matter of time before James goes, either quickly followed or preceded by Debra.

Who’s The Favourite To Win At The Moment?

Kate Walsh is still holding her own as my favourite to win The Apprentice.

At the current stage in The Apprentice the people who I could see winning are (In descending order ):

1. Kate Walsh
2. Howard Ebison
3. Yasmina Siadatan
4. James McQuillan
5. Lorraine Tighe
6. Debra Barr

 

Table of contents for The Apprentice - series 5

1. The Apprentice: A North South Battle!
2. The Apprentice: The Girls Fight Dirty
3. The Apprentice: The Food In-Fighting
4. The Apprentice Is A Form Of Abuse
5. The Apprentice: Empire is a Wash-up, Ignite Cleans Up
6. The Apprentice – Floored By The Carpet
7. The Apprentices Avoid Selling
8. The Apprentice: The Cereal Killers
9. The Apprentice: The Empire Strikes Out!
10. 7 Top Traits Of Under-Achieving Apprentice Fodder
11. The Apprentice Are All At The Seaside

The Apprentices meet Sir Alan at The 02 Arena in Greenwich, aka the Millennium Dome. There the teams are told that they’re going to re-brand Margate, within 2 days

Debra nominates herself very firmly as project manager for one team, telling Howard who suggests he’d quite like to be a project manager that he can be a sub-team manager!

Meanwhile over in the other team Yasmina suggests she is the best candidate for project manager as re-branding requires a multitude of skills and she has them!

Re-Branding Margate Is No Picnic

Margate already has an established brand in the eyes of the people who visit. And the BBC camera angles don’t paint a particularly nice picture of Margate as a pleasant place to say. Although the sea and the sands look marvelous.

The teams re-branding need to produce a set o posters and a leaflet.

They then have to present to VIP residents of Margate, including the mayor and another presentation to industry experts. The winning team being the one which impresses both groups the most.

Margate Recreated As A Gay Holiday Destination

Immediately Debra hears the suggestion that they should re-brand Margate as a gay holiday destination she bulldozes on with that thought. Looks like she’s taken over from Phillip as the Bulldozer.

Anyone, other than The Apprentices, would have considered who they were selling the concept to: Margate residents and industry experts.

Debra And Howard Make A Casting Call

Debra and Howard get the bit firmly between their teeth and stay in London to cast people for same sex couples for the leaflet and poster. Cue plenty of shots of Nick looking bemused as models are asked to hold hands and drape arms over shoulders.

Meanwhile James and Mona go down to Margate and search out the gay scene. Mona spending time in what looks like a very quiet club.

Debra Turns A Deaf Ear

Debra tries to cram a lot of text into the team poster. Howard says that too many words is a bad thing as people wont be able to read a lot of text. Debra, of course,doesn’t listen.

And because she and Howard spend so long on the posters it leaves them with a miniscule amount of time to write the leaflet. The final leaflet is pathetic as they run out of time.

Margate Goes Gay

Howard presents Margayte to the local people and to the industry experts. It’s immediately obvious that there was a lack off planning in the production of everything.  The posters looked very amateurish for the following reasons:

• The posters looked like adverts for a very poor restaurant
• The photos were too busy
• The photos could have been for anywhere – not just Margate
• There was too much text (the experts suggest 10 words at most)
• The rainbow UK logo was too big
• There was no use of blue skies and sea – Margate is besides the sea

And just when you think the Apprentices can’t get any worse they manage to pull the rabbit out of the hat and show the awful unfinished leaflet that Howard and Debra claim isn’t unfinished, it’s just to give local business the opportunity to advertise on it.

Don’t make me laugh! You don’t leave 3 pages of a six page leaflet blank, and certainly not the back of it!

A very poor attempt at re-branding that wasn’t managed well. In addition, it looked as though the teams had not agreed (and written down) the photos to go for or what should go into the leaflet.

Margate’s For Families

Over in Yasmina’s team Lorraine puts a compelling case for a family resort and the team agree to go with that.

So Ben and Lorraine hurry down to Margate with Ben eager to demonstrate that he can hold two fingers on each hand to make a “photo frame” in such a way that he looks like a complete pillock. Rather than letting an expert  like a professional photographer set up the shot Ben gets involved, and misses out on getting a child into the beach shots.

The pair get busy setting up models with the various activities that Margate has to offer. And their catchy slogan is, “Margate through children’s eyes.” Actually quite a reasonable slogan although they completely fail to capitalise on it throughout their eventual pitches and in the posters and the leaflet.

Yasmina Doesn’t Quite Get Posters

Yasmina and Kate look a bit worried when Ben’s photos come through as they’d wanted to use large expanses of background for the text.

The main problem that Yasmina and Kate have is that they haven’t taken even a little look at other posters at other resorts. If they had they’d have seen that actually there’s not much text on them. And of course Lorraine points this out, correctly, to Yasmina who isn’t happy with what she says.

Yasmina’s background in producing leaflets and menus for her restaurant pays off and she produces a reasonable leaflet.

Family Resort Margate Re-brands As… A Family Resort

Kate presents the poster and leaflet to the experts and Ben defends his pictures.  The leaflet actually looks pretty good. Certainly far ahead of Debra’s team.

Back To The Boardroom

Yasmina’s team Ignite score 7 from the experts and 7 from the Margate residents and win against Empire who score 4 from each group.

This particular task failure can easily be placed completely at Debra’s door due to pathetic time management and inadequate planning of the task before running off and doing stuff.

However, as Sir Alan says we’ve now reached a point where he can look at past performance and take it into account for the firing decision.

He decides that Mona and James have been back seat passengers and fires Mona.

Was The Apprentice Firing Fair?

I wanted Debra to go because she was so completely rubbish at helping the team work out what to do, managing the team and actually working out what to do. After all wen you’re project manager you can’t be an expert in everything and you need to listen to opinion and expert help. Specially Howards suggestion about the text on the posters.

I do agree with Sir Alan’s summing up and I’ve thought that Mona has been a complete waste of time during the tasks and her defence of herself so this firing is fair.

Who’s The Favourite To Win At The Moment?

Kate didn’t particularly cover herself with glory this time. However, she still remains the front runner as far as I can see.

 

Table of contents for The Apprentice - series 5

1. The Apprentice: A North South Battle!
2. The Apprentice: The Girls Fight Dirty
3. The Apprentice: The Food In-Fighting
4. The Apprentice Is A Form Of Abuse
5. The Apprentice: Empire is a Wash-up, Ignite Cleans Up
6. The Apprentice – Floored By The Carpet
7. The Apprentices Avoid Selling
8. The Apprentice: The Cereal Killers
9. The Apprentice: The Empire Strikes Out!
10. 7 Top Traits Of Under-Achieving Apprentice Fodder
11. The Apprentice Are All At The Seaside

The apprentices confuse themselves in this task.

As Sir Alan puts it this is a straight forward sales job. Although once Ignite and Empire get started on it it’s obvious they’re clueless. And they’re in the Manchester Hilton which is a very nice place to stay! But not the best I hasten to add.

The Sales Task

The task is broken down into 3 parts:

1. Choose 2 inventions from a list of 10 to sell in Manchester, Liverpool and other bits of the Northwest.
2. Try to sell the chosen items to the 2 firms (Liverpool hardware store and Heal’s: a Manchester designer furniture store) that Sir Alan has picked for them
3. Try to make other sales on the following day

The team who makes the most sales wins, of course!

Naturally the teams ignore the hint that Sir Alan gives of a hardware store – think what does it stock, or could usefully stock. And also Heal’s – what would a designer furniture shop stock? Well one item would have OBVIOUSLY been the designer coat rack that one inventor brought along!

Another obvious item for the hardware store was the drill dust catcher or more likely the stability legs for a ladder. Still the teams don’t think  to take hints do they?

A Tiger is Chosen as Ignite’s Project Manager

Lorraine Tighe canvases opinion strongly to take the project leadership role. Everyone seems keen to let her dig herself a hole, so she gets her wish and is the PM.

The thing that always continues to amaze me is how some of these supposed high-flying managers and business people have abysmal people skills. Which Lorraine amply demonstrates when she talks down to Yasmina because Lorraine wants to get business by doing a pitch. Then Lorraine tells Yasmina that. “I’m your boss.” Of course the only problem with that approach is that it puts Yasmina’s back up.

Lorraine and her team choose The Cat Fire Engine and the Expandable bike bag.

Expandable Bike Bag

The expandable bike bag looks quite snazzy. It’s meant to carry shopping home from the supermarket. However, I can’t believe that someone who is that serious about using a bike wouldn’t splash out on a pair of panniers. Plus how many people would be able to cycle with a weeks worth of shopping on their bike?!

The Liverpool hardware firm is underwhelmed, however, Heal’s over in Manchester give it a cautious welcome.

Cat Fire Engine

This is a cardboard cat toy.  And when Lorraine and Yasmina present it to the hardware store set-up by Sir Alan the buyers are astonished to find that Lorraine suggests they can sell 400 of them per week! When questioned Lorraine glibly says, “I believe you would do!” What she bases that assertion on we are given no clue.

The team goes around trying to sell this cardboard box (fairly unsuccessfully).  Lorraine and Yasmina do manage to sell 50 to a very dubious Pets Superstore buyer.

The following day when one small shop suggests that he has no need for them the tired twosome decide that it must just be because wages are that bit lower up North! Do all apprentices have the sensitivity of a brick wall? Can’t they see that the retailer is genuinely at a loss as to why he should buy when he already chucks out loads of cardboard boxes every week?

Meanwhile Phillip, Kate and Ben are unable to convince anyone at all that they need the cat toy, in any form. So no sales there!

Mona Wrests Project Management for Empire

Over at Empire Mona makes an impassioned demand to be project manager. And she also is allowed to take the position.

The two items that Empire choose are The Silk Bag and The Lover’s Lead.

The Silk Bag

The silk bag is basically a sleeping bag with arms and legs.  Or as Howard says it has, “individual leg items.”

Neither store lined up by Sir Alan is impressed by the Silk Bag, particularly as it doesn’t fit with their product lines!

The Lover’s Lead

The Lover’s Lead lets two people walk the same dog at the same time. And in its favour Battersea Dogs home has endorsed it and 10% of the earnings go to the home.

The Lover’s lead isn’t much use for the two stores either. however, the following day Empire do sell a large number of them to smaller retailers.

Back To The Boardroom

Finally the teams return to the boardroom. The two stores chosen by Sir Alan bought nothing from Empire, whereas Ignite do manage to get some orders from them.

However Empire make £4,501 on their second day’s sales. Meanwhile Ignite make just £1,302 overall.

As Sir Alan points out Ben, Kate and Phillip sold nothing.  And Sir Alan reiterates that he was looking at individual sales figures – a clue was that each Apprentice had an order book with their name on it.

And just to check Sir Alan had some of his own staff ring up and made appointments, something that the Captain Squawk sub-team couldn’t manage. Even though Phillip vocally points out that he and Kate are so much better at sales than Lorraine.

Lorraine chooses Kate and Phillip to accompany her into the boardroom. Where Phillip gripes about Lorraine, and then chips in sniping at Lorraine at every opportunity.

Lorraine’s “Slow burner in the thought process” comment concerns Sir Alan. I suspect that will be a comment that comes back to haunt her in another task. Also he notes that she seems to alienate people – and he hasn’t heard about the argument she had with Yasmina about pitching.

In the end Sir Alan tells Phillip he’s fired because he suspects such an opinionated, arrogant and fiery character won’t it into his organisation.

Was The Apprentice Firing Fair?

I was willing Sir Alan to fire Lorraine because she demonstrated how completely rubbish she is at handling people. I’m sure she’ll have another opportunity to demonstrate it.

However, Sir Alan has got Phillip right and on balance it was better for the Bulldozer to go. He certainly did himself no favours in the way he taunted Lorraine during the boardroom threesome.

Who’s The Favourite To Win At The Moment?

Kate Walsh held her dignity when Lorraine attempted to bring up the fact that Kate and Phillip were an item which she suggested meant they hadn’t really committed themselves to the project.

Sir Alan commented that Kate has done well in the other tasks and she’s still looking the most likely of the current crop.

 

Table of contents for The Apprentice - series 5

1. The Apprentice: A North South Battle!
2. The Apprentice: The Girls Fight Dirty
3. The Apprentice: The Food In-Fighting
4. The Apprentice Is A Form Of Abuse
5. The Apprentice: Empire is a Wash-up, Ignite Cleans Up
6. The Apprentice – Floored By The Carpet
7. The Apprentices Avoid Selling
8. The Apprentice: The Cereal Killers
9. The Apprentice: The Empire Strikes Out!
10. 7 Top Traits Of Under-Achieving Apprentice Fodder
11. The Apprentice Are All At The Seaside

The Apprentice is about half-way through.

Certain characteristic Apprentice traits are coming to the fore.

Always remember that this whole process is really for entertainment and the editing can make people look completely different to who they feel they are.

Noorul Is Apparently Different In Real-life

Noorul has suggested that the editing made it look as though he sold nothing. However, I do think that Noorul didn’t do himself many favours by always looking very pensive whenever the cameras were on him. And when they were concentrating on him as Project Manager he came across as extremely ineffectual and indecisive.

His final nail in the coffin must have been his attempt to cast Ben in a bad light in the boardroom for going on about the magazine deals Ben had boasted about.

Recognising Those 7 Top Traits

It’s been shown by research that there are 12 key skills, or traits, that help you develop your business into the stratosphere.

The Apprentices meantime demonstrate a set of traits that would probably demolish a business. And those traits are:

1. Feelings of superiority over all other mortals
2. Ability to be as hostile as possible when in the boardroom
3. Complete failure to plan how to carry out a task
4. Broader, wider, deeper knowledge compared to specialist experts such as printers, designers, sound engineers, photographers and other professionals
5. Desire, need even, to sell rubbish to anyone who is still breathing – and preferably for the most possible money
6. Child-like delight whenever they win a task and are given a treat
7. Limited comprehension on how to use their own teams skills

So beware of others in your company with these traits. Before you know it they’ll be off to join the next Apprentice.

 

Table of contents for The Apprentice - series 5

1. The Apprentice: A North South Battle!
2. The Apprentice: The Girls Fight Dirty
3. The Apprentice: The Food In-Fighting
4. The Apprentice Is A Form Of Abuse
5. The Apprentice: Empire is a Wash-up, Ignite Cleans Up
6. The Apprentice – Floored By The Carpet
7. The Apprentices Avoid Selling
8. The Apprentice: The Cereal Killers
9. The Apprentice: The Empire Strikes Out!
10. 7 Top Traits Of Under-Achieving Apprentice Fodder
11. The Apprentice Are All At The Seaside

And so the Apprentices rush off to a Chiswick Auction house to meet Sir Alan for their new task.

Ignite’s project manager is Phillip Taylor, estate agent and Human Bulldozer and Empire’s is Ben Clarke, Rotweiller, Rot talker and aptly named Captain Squawk.

And the task is for the teams to sell 10 items and naturally the team which comes back with the most cash wins. And as their deadline is 6pm they don’t have much time.

Sir Alan adds a word of warning, “not everything is as it seems.” Who will take odds that nobody picks up on that throw away remark?

The Valuation Task

This is an opportunity for the Apprentices to demonstrate their valuation, sales and management abilities.  So what do they need to do to display their talents?

1. Find the VALUE of what they have
2. Decide where they can be sold
3. Allocate the items to the teams
4. Sell for at least the cost, preferably more!

That seems to indicate that some form of research and planning is needed…

And what do the Apprentice’s do?

10 Items The Apprentices Had To Sell

The items the teams had to sell were as follows:

1. Skeleton (quoted price £159.95+VAT)
2. Indian rug (valued at £200)
3. Cycle
4. Shoes (including vintage shoes worth £100)
5. 8Kg Jellied eels
6. Books (including first edition of James Bond’s Octopussy, worth £80-£100)
7. A pair of fire dogs
8. Commode chair
9. Autographed footballers picture
10. something else…

Ignite Fails To Find The Gems

The relationship between Phillip and Lorraine hasn’t improved much at all during this task. Phillip assumes he knows more than she does, as demonstrated when she suggests the rug and shoes (vintage) may be worth quite a bit of money and Phillip suggests the rug’s made of nylon!.

Neither team really got to grips with the valuations of the items.  Lorraine was the one who was most on the ball as she suggested that the rug and the vintage shoes were the most likely items to be valuable.

Later in the boardroom Margaret says that Lorraine is the teams Cassandra and explains that Cassandra means she gets it right but no one listens to her. I think we can all agree that’s exactly the case!

Phillip claims that he has improved since last week. It’s patently obvious that he hasn’t.

To give Phillipe his due he did manage to sell the skeleton, although he was extremely lucky to find the one man in England, in a pub, who’d been looking to own a skeleton all his life!

Feathers Fly With Captain Squawk

Captain Squawk Gets Flustered

Ben, aka Captain Squawk, knows he’s a leader because he was offered a scholarship to Sandhurst!  Was it a Captain Squawk commission?

Ben does try and do some valuation but it all seems pretty rudimentary and the most important thing they think is to just get rid of the stuff!

Later in the boardroom Captain Squawk claims to have had a strategy – I think not… 

Yasmina And James Miss Hints

While Jasmina and James do their best to sell the most expensive item in a streeet of carpet shops they’re told, at least twice, that the rug is TOO EXPENSIVE, for the owner’s shop.

That’s a massive hint. That means the rug is worth some money. Why didn’t they ask the carpet dealers ow much they thought it was worth? Ten why didn’t they also ask if they could point them at a dealer willing to buy such a rug?

Eventually they end up selling it to someone who could sell it on and who you could see was rubbing his hands with glee at getting such a carpet at such a fantastically low price.

Back To The Boardroom

Ignite managed to make a net loss of £34, whilst Empire managed to make a “thumping” loss of over £200.

Ben squawks that he was partly responsible for the Octopussy book sale that Debra had made. Which completely gobsmacks Debra.

Then when he’s asked who he’s bringing into the boardroom he says Noorul and James, after first telling Sir Alan to take account of performance over the last 6 weeks!

Then when Sir Alan and James express surprise he backtracks and says he meant Noorul and Debra.  What a rat.

So Debra gets the opportunity to have a good go at Nick, and displays her utter contempt for anything that moves. Maybe Sir Alan’s right and she considers herself the chosen one, already the annointed Apprentice and why go on if she’s been picked!

Noorul meantime blusters and points out that Ben has been relishing the opportunity for magazine deals when the series finishes. In fact he protests so much that he just digs himself deeper into his hole.

Finally, Sir Alan makes his choice and Noorul is fired.

Was The Apprentice Firing Fair?

I was pleased that Noorul was fired, he obviously didn’t understand business and seemed unable to work in a team properly. And that’s been obvious from the beginning and even more so when he was exposed as a poor project manager.

Actually I would have fired Ben in this task too because he lied about what he’d done, claimed to have a strategy when there was none, had tried to make the most profit by taking the majority of the items and tried to bring James into the boardroom because he knew Debra would make mincemeat of him.

Who’s The Favourite To Win At The Moment?

Kate Walsh is still doing very well, smiling and getting the job done. So for me she remains the definite favourite.

Phillip is coming across as thinking he knows it all and again is too complacent, so I don’t think he’ll win. Unless he can really change his spots and let other people make their point, actually take it on board and run with it.

Ben and Debra also need to look cooly at what they’re doing because Sir Alan has given both of them great feedback on their personalities and the way they’re presenting themselves. After all part of this game is seeing how people develop – witness The Badger from a previous series!

 

Table of contents for The Apprentice - series 5

1. The Apprentice: A North South Battle!
2. The Apprentice: The Girls Fight Dirty
3. The Apprentice: The Food In-Fighting
4. The Apprentice Is A Form Of Abuse
5. The Apprentice: Empire is a Wash-up, Ignite Cleans Up
6. The Apprentice – Floored By The Carpet
7. The Apprentices Avoid Selling
8. The Apprentice: The Cereal Killers
9. The Apprentice: The Empire Strikes Out!
10. 7 Top Traits Of Under-Achieving Apprentice Fodder
11. The Apprentice Are All At The Seaside

The Apprentices are given the task of promoting a new breakfast cereal.

This time the project manager for Ignite is marketing consultant Kimberly Davis and for Empire we have Kate Walsh. And advertising agency McCann Erickson is enlisted to help them produce a campaign.

The Marketing Task

This time the Apprentices need to impress the advertising agencies that would promote this product.

The other objectives they need to bear in mind are:

1. Target children and their health-conscious parents
2. Thinking of a good name for their target market
3. Creating a character
4. Designing an attractive, informative box
5. Planning and shooting an ad

So how do The Apprentices manage?

Ignite Are Pants

Have you noticed that project managers that “lay rules down” seem to get into trouble on The Apprentice? So Kimberly makes a rule that everyone’s ideas are to be listened to.

Ignite slog through much discussion, some of which is completely off-brief – like Paula’s suggestion of a series of characters jumping out of the cereal. The brief was that only one character was needed.

Eventually Paul comes up with the silly idea that it’s so natural it’s “like you’re naked with your pants on.” What on earth is he talking about?

Ignite’s Team Flare-up

And because Kimberly seems unable to manage a team the ideas and arguments kick back and forth until eventually she has a vote on the character and then leaves no time to give the box designer the correct brief. And when they get their cereal box made up the following morning you can immediately see the complete lack of thought that has gone into the design.

And all during the task Lorraine and Phillip argue.

The problem with Kimberly’s approach is that she hasn’t split the team to allocate the tasks so making her team members accountable and to get more things done more quickly.  And then she micromanages

Noorul Is Despatched To The Garage

Noorul enthuses about helping Kimberly behind the camera because he’s got amateur photo skills. Luckily Kimberly puts him into the garage so that the children will be surprised and happy about seeing “Pants Man.”

Yet when Noorul (aka Pants Man) is dragged in to see the children they look distinctly underwhelmed.

Mona’s presentation is not particularly well done. In fact she puts too many negatives about Pants man’s ability to wear pants outside his clothes and confuses their expert audience.

To be fair to Ignite their finished advertisement looks pretty good, despite Howard and Lorraine’s under-acting, even Phillip’s jingle comes across well.

The cereal box looks very basic and the agency doesn’t seem impressed.

Empire Squawks Ahead

Empire quickly come up with the idea of saying the cereal is treasure and using a pirate character to promote the cereal.

Kate sends Yasmina and Debra on some market research. Later she sends Yasmina and James to get the jingle written.

Kate shows the way to be decisive by deciding in 5 seconds that they will go with a pirate parrot as the character. Well done, none of this drawn out discussion as demonstrated by Kimberly and Ignite.

A Great Pirate Parrot For Empire

The team get a good looking parrot designed, come up with a nice name or the cereal and work out how the whole box (front, back and sides) is to look. and when it arrives in the morning it looks pretty good.

When Empire asks the child actor to eat the cereal he reveals he has a nut allergy!

Kate Uses Her Balls

After all the time that Yasmina and James ad put in making the jingle Kaye decides that a male voice is better for the parrot – I couldn’t agree more because a pirate is perceived as a masculine activity. Normally I’d say it was something you should have discussed before hiring the session singer. However, given the 2 days to construct the whole campaign well done to Kate for having the ‘balls’ to do the right thing.

In the end the advert is all right, although not particularly well acted by Ben, or directed by Kate. Still it gets the job done!

When their advert is screened Debra does the initial presentation well and Kate responds very well to a question about the lack of product focus on the target markets.

Back To The Boardroom

The whole Pants Man concept was ridiculous. And then Lorraine says she wants to keep it simple – by using more characters, rather than one!

Plus the project manager (Kimberly) said that they had to make do with a quick call to the graphic designer.

Margaret thought that Empire worked really well together and the smiles they had on their aces showed they thought they’d done a good job.

So this time Ignite loses the task.

Lorraine Fights Her Corner

Lorraine comes across as being very negative.  And Kimberly goes for the throat and tries to make her a scapegoat. And says some really strange things that you’d associate more with a “human resources” department.

Noorul keeps very quiet. Like I said before, give Noorul more project management.

Anyway, ultimately despite the fact that Phillip bulldozed the Pants Man idea through, Kimberly is fired.

Was The Apprentice Firing Fair?

Yes! I jumped of the sofa fist raised as Sir Alan chose the person who I was urging him (silently) to fire.

Kimberly failed to control her team. Both with The Bulldozer and with Lorraine’s negative viewpoints and failed to point out that Lorraine had misread the brief.

Plus Kimberly was meant to be a marketing expert but completely failed to deliver the box or the character.

Who’s The Favourite To Win At The Moment?

Kate Walsh managed her team well and certainly every time she was on camera she presented well. So to me she remains the definite favourite.

Phillip is hanging on in there but is coming across as too complacent. Both during the boardroom discussions and whilst Sir Alan was suggesting that Pants Man was complete rubbish.

 

Table of contents for The Apprentice - series 5

1. The Apprentice: A North South Battle!
2. The Apprentice: The Girls Fight Dirty
3. The Apprentice: The Food In-Fighting
4. The Apprentice Is A Form Of Abuse
5. The Apprentice: Empire is a Wash-up, Ignite Cleans Up
6. The Apprentice – Floored By The Carpet
7. The Apprentices Avoid Selling
8. The Apprentice: The Cereal Killers
9. The Apprentice: The Empire Strikes Out!
10. 7 Top Traits Of Under-Achieving Apprentice Fodder
11. The Apprentice Are All At The Seaside

The Apprentices meet Sir Alan in Kew Gardens where he gives them the task of creating 2 original body care products from natural ingredients, manufacture and then sell them.

And to entertain us further he makes Noorul Choudhury Ignite’s project manager and Paula Jones project manager for Empire.

Noorul, because Sir Alan notes that he’s been a bit quiet.

The Product Design Task

The objective is to make more profit than the other team by selling products to the passers-by in London, somewhere.

The other objectives they need to bear in mind are:

1. Making sure they keep the costs down, as usual!
2. Designing and making a good product
3. Branding the product so it’s attractive
4. Selling out by the deadline!

So how do The Apprentices manage?

Empire Go for Seaweed

Empire kick into action and decide to use seaweed as one of their natural components and quickly agree on producing soap and shower gel.,.

Unfortunately Paula and Yasmina get carried away and choose the sandalwood oil which costs £1,200 per kilo. If they’d used Cedarwood it only costs about £26 per kilo and would have been a better choice.

So Yasmina and Paula  decide to use 454 grams of Sandalwood after which Nick kindly tells them they spent over £700 on fragrances.  That means that they needed to sell a lot of product before they made any profit.

Empire Brand

Half of Empire goes to Portobello Market and the other to Bond Street tube station. A tube station is a massive mistake because people are always rushing somewhere and aren’t going to take any interest in soap..

Sales at Portobello Market go well and then eventually they find someone who is willing to buy the remaining bottles for £400.

Ignite’s Project Manager Demonstrates Inability To Manage

After all the talking Noorul has done it was immediately clear that he had no commercial sense and lacked any ability to lead a team.

After some extended consideration and much indecision Noorul eventually decides to use honey as the natural component.

When the team he sent to get the honey asks how much they should get he asks the remaining team whether they are going with honey! Give me strength!

Ignite Branding Is Pathetic

Kimberly comes up with a brand, “Honey I’m Home” which apart from having no meaning doesn’t even describe the range (of two products).

Margaret points out that Noorul was also a poor project manager. You can say that again, indecision and uncertainty was written all over his face.

Carnaby Street High Fashion Soap

Noorul hasn’t a clue how to sell and just keeps talking and then finishes by asking whether people would be “interested.” He also asks wether he can “pinch” someones time.

Noorul, like a complete idiot, pulls his team out of Carnaby street, because he isn’t selling.  And then he gets lost! And ends up in Bond Street where nobody sells anything, for the same reason

The other half of the team are selling at Camden Lock. They sell fairly well and towards the end they have over 100 bottles left and ring Noorul to suggest they price them to sell.

Indecision strikes and Noorul decides to go to Camden Lock with his team – yet more lost selling time! When he arrives they start to sell at ridiculously low prices.

Back To The Boardroom

And the orders for the teams were as follows:

So Empire lose yet again. And yet Empire should have really won, except they made  a complete pig’s ear of the costs. If they had used cedarwood oil instead they would have made a profit of £598 and won the task. And of course Ben says that the costs are nothing to do with him!

Ben Threatens To Shred Paula In The Boardroom

Ben is yet again in the boardroom and deservedly so because he edged out of any involvement with design or with the costings despite being asked to check them by Paula.

When Ben’s in the boardroom he tries to take credit or the nice marketing. Kate soon puts him right by saying that the marketing was all Paula.

Paula appears to have been a reasonable project manager and had asked Ben and Yasmina to check the costs. Ben threatens to rip her to shreds if she drags him into the boardroom.

Of course Ben, rightly, is dragged into the boardroom.  The costs are discussed and blame spread liberally. Ben claims a scholarship to Sandhurst  shows he’s a leader of men!

finally Sir Alan has enough and fires Paula for not keeping a tight rein on the costs. Has the message got through? Costs need controlling!

I think Ben needs to go as soon as possible as he doesn’t help the team win, instead he makes sure he isn’t in the firing line.

And more to the point Noorul needs to be given the project management again so Sir Alan can fire him when his team loses.

Was The Apprentice Firing Fair?

Paula was the project manager and should have double checked the costs with Yasmina and Ben, as they are numbers people. Ultimately it was her fault and much though I would have like Ben to go Sir Alan was right to fire her.

Who’s The Favourite To Win At The Moment?

Kate Walsh sold well during the task and was fair about Paula doing all the marketing.

Again Phillip with his sense of urgency is looking useful too.

Table of contents for The Apprentice - series 5

1. The Apprentice: A North South Battle!
2. The Apprentice: The Girls Fight Dirty
3. The Apprentice: The Food In-Fighting
4. The Apprentice Is A Form Of Abuse
5. The Apprentice: Empire is a Wash-up, Ignite Cleans Up
6. The Apprentice – Floored By The Carpet
7. The Apprentices Avoid Selling
8. The Apprentice: The Cereal Killers
9. The Apprentice: The Empire Strikes Out!
10. 7 Top Traits Of Under-Achieving Apprentice Fodder
11. The Apprentice Are All At The Seaside

The Apprentices are given the task of inventing a piece of portable home fitness equipment with the intention of selling to 3 leading fitness retailers priced at under £30. And of course the team with the most orders.

Immediately the teams start to “brain storm” ideas for a piece of fitness equipment. Ben Clarke comes up with the clearly stupid suggestion (for an Apprentice task) of making a sex-related piece of fitness equipment. Over on Ignite they take plenty of time to come up with an idea. As Debra notes they lack creativity so they’ll have problems coming up with a product!

The Product Design Task

Now let’s take a look at this task…

First “The Objective” this time is to take more orders than the other team.

Second “The Customers” are:

1. 3 leading fitness retailers
2. They are used to selling fitness kit
3. They probably don’t want cheap tat

Third the key areas to be concerned with are:

1. Designing a good product
2. Making the product look good
3. Doing the research to ensure there is a market
4. Getting the pitch right so that they get the orders

So how do The Apprentices manage?

Empire Design The Bingo Buster

Ben comes up with a suggestion for toning women’s upper arms! Instantly halving the market. So with nothing else the team go with that.

James Empire’s project manager knocks Bingo Buster as a name – well done.  Wing Worker is thrown into the ring by Howard, I think more tongue in cheek than in reality.

Ben spends time demonstrating how fit he is. Yawn…

In the meantime Kate,Howard and James go off to do their research and tell the design team inexplicably headed up by Ben that the biggest seller is a chin-up bar – so “we don’t want a home gym – don’t over complicate it.” What a laugh, this is the Apprentice!

Empire Over-Complicates Matters

The design team visit a gym and decide to…

Overcomplicate the product!

When the product is explained the prototype makers observe that “it’s going to be a long night!”

The Bingo Buster now called the Home Multi-Tone looks like a loudspeaker. Ben is very keen on it. In my opinion it’s complete rubbish. Have they never heard of a BullWorker for low-end and a multi-gym for the high-end?

Ben and Kate do the modelling for their poster. Ben says it’s obvious that he was chosen because he’s the fittest of anyone. Personally I’m not sure I’d have Ben in the picture.

Empire Pitch Struggles With The Product

Kate valiantly puts forward the supposed benefits of the Home Multi-Tone to the 3 retailers. Ben “helps” her put it through its paces.

None of the retailers looked particularly convinced. In fact the John Lewis buyers looked amused.

Ignite Go For The Bum Ball

Phillip suggests a cube instead of the Swedish Ball. The trainer they consult suggests it’s rubbish. Debra, Ignite’s project manager has an idea she’s been pushing, ankle weights, but the trainer rubbishes that too.

Finally Phillip suggests the “Bum Ball” and at last the team leaves the rough design with the manufacturers to come up with a prototype.

When the team gets the Bum Ball, now called The Body Rocker, everyone is pleased with the product. Particularly Mona who really seems delighted.

Scapegoat Time Arrives

Lorraine Tighe asks to pitch the Body Rocker. She demonstrates that she’s not the best sales person in the world. Debra admits she’s taking a risk with allowing Lorraine to pitch. Hmm, I think more like lining up a scapegoat.

Lorraine is not the most confident pitcher and then Debra puts the knife in by saying she’s worried about the pitch! Go scapegoat go!

And yet Lorraine does a very good opening pitch to John Lewis. John Lewis seem quite keen and ask about an exclusive deal.

Exclusive Deals Need To Be Worked Properly

If the Apprentice’s had seen previous series they’d remember that chains often want exclusive deals. However, Ignite are a bit stumped wen John Lewis ask about an exclusive deal. Until Yasmina jumps in and suggest 20,000 units with 6 months exclusivity. Well done Yasmina! Debra looked to be trying to get out of the meeting!

Back To The Boardroom

And the orders for the teams were as follows:

So Empire lose yet again. And over at Ignite Phillip supports Lorraine in the face of Debras scapegoating which must help Phillip in the whole show.

Ben Over And Take The Blame

Ben correctly thinks that James is going to slap the blame on him – where it belongs because Ben over-complicated the whole product. And as one of the retailers says it looks very 1970′s.

Equally James should have been more involved in the whole design – after all that’s where the whole thing could fail!

The end result is that James chooses Ben and Majid Nagra (who we’ve not really seen do that much. In fact Margaret points out that Majid was a passenger.

As Sir Alan points out there’s no creativity or design in the product. So Majid, “you’re fired.”

Was The Apprentice Firing Fair?

James was the project manager and should have had more control over the product design because that was obviously the most important point in the task. And yet again in the boardroom James starts flying off in all directions.

Ben was the designer and yet overcomplicated the whole product. Despite James telling him not to over complicate the product.

In the end though when Majid was fired it was fair because he had actually over complicated the product and as the design team hadn’t held Ben back from his over active imagination. Plus he really has seemed like a pleasant enough person but a passenger.

Who’s The Favourite To Win At The Moment?

I’m still thinking Kate Walsh is a good bet as she did a reasonable pitch to the retailers.

Also Phillip with his stout defence of Lorraine is looking good too.

 

Table of contents for The Apprentice - series 5

1. The Apprentice: A North South Battle!
2. The Apprentice: The Girls Fight Dirty
3. The Apprentice: The Food In-Fighting
4. The Apprentice Is A Form Of Abuse
5. The Apprentice: Empire is a Wash-up, Ignite Cleans Up
6. The Apprentice – Floored By The Carpet
7. The Apprentices Avoid Selling
8. The Apprentice: The Cereal Killers
9. The Apprentice: The Empire Strikes Out!
10. 7 Top Traits Of Under-Achieving Apprentice Fodder
11. The Apprentice Are All At The Seaside

To many The Apprentice is looked upon purely as a form of entertainment for all us unwashed masses.

In fact on the BBC Apprentice forums someone has (with a little tongue in cheek) suggested that The Apprentice is unfair and good bosses would train their apprentices before testing them in the way Sir Alan does.

In fact they make the point that this whole show is really a form of abuse as any “good boss” wouldn’t go to the lengths shown in the show.

It’s a good point.

However, as Sir Alan notes in his introduction this whole series is a job interview.  That means he’s not training the candidates for the job of Apprentice. He’s seeing whether they have what it takes to be The Apprentice.

The Apprentice Testing Times

If you want to find out whether your new recruit can undertake a range of business tasks and still come up smiling any business would be pleased to have seen whether their candidate could.

If you look at the first few of last year’s tasks they are pretty representative of the type of tasks the Apprentices are set.

As you can see most of the tasks are testing how the teams are managed, how they go about getting customers, how they make a profit and the ability to sell themselves.

As the tasks continue each week it starts to become pretty clear as to who can cope under pressure. Which ones are able to manage their team effectively and bring in the profits. And also who is a team player and doesn’t always try and wriggle out of blame and/or out of work.

So in reality the Apprentice is a very entertaining and pretty effective method for sorting through your application pile!

Table of contents for The Apprentice - series 5

1. The Apprentice: A North South Battle!
2. The Apprentice: The Girls Fight Dirty
3. The Apprentice: The Food In-Fighting
4. The Apprentice Is A Form Of Abuse
5. The Apprentice: Empire is a Wash-up, Ignite Cleans Up
6. The Apprentice – Floored By The Carpet
7. The Apprentices Avoid Selling
8. The Apprentice: The Cereal Killers
9. The Apprentice: The Empire Strikes Out!
10. 7 Top Traits Of Under-Achieving Apprentice Fodder
11. The Apprentice Are All At The Seaside

The Apprentice with Sir Alan Sugar starts on the 25th March. I can’t wait for the annual pressure cooker that is the BBC’s Apprentice programme.

From the moment you hear the Apprentice music to the introduction of the first task to the final boardroom show down it’s all fun and you can even pick up a few business lessons along the way.

And as well as splitting the teams into boys versus girls it looks as though it’s the North against the South too. The girls are mainly from the South and the boys mainly from the North.

Lovely!

And so who do we have? Well for a start we have a drop out. Someone didn’t want to be away from their family for a possible 12 weeks so retired before filming began.

The Apprentice Girls Team

The Apprentice 2009 girls team is made up as follows:

We’ve seen how marketing consultants and human resources people work on the Apprentice. Let’s hope these improve the batting average.

The Apprentice Boys Team

The Apprentice 2009 boys team is made up as follows:

Howard could be someone to watch as I laughed out loud when I saw the quote the BBC attributed to him:

I am a credible businessman who wants to go far. I’m incredibly ambitious. If I don’t go far down this route I shall go far down another route.

The favourite must surely be Rocky Andrews. After all with a name like Rocky you’ve got to live up to peoples expectations, just like in the Rocky films he’s going to come good in his final fight!. Plus he currently earns more than is being offered as Sir Alan’s apprentice running his chain of 15 sandwich shops! So presumably he knows something about the nitty gritty of real business.